When it comes to rising in the morn, there are two types of people in this world. Firstly, those who awake from their slumber with effortless ease, barely relying on the function of an alarm clock. These early birds are usually the ones who annoy the fuck out of everyone else, complete with the chirpy demeanor of a kids TV presenter. Yeah you know the ones.
And then there are the night owls who despise the morning time. As soon as they are disturbed by the intrusive, angry sounds of their alarm, they swiftly deactivate their ticking time-bomb and retreat back to dream land.
To some, the snooze button is the ultimate saviour. It buys you more precious rest time, granted by the gods of procrastination. But this seemingly innocent source of instant-gratification, ironically ends up making you feel even worse. Why? Because science!
When you snooze, you enter another full sleep cycle. Your brain is fully expecting to be enter into another eight hours of blissful sleep but only gets a crappy few minutes instead. This in turn can make you feel groggy for the entire day which affects alertness, memory, reaction time and your attention span. Starting to regret that extra five minutes?
Here at the Monday Mortals lab, we entrusted our team to undergo a series of comprehensive experiments to test the most sophisticated technologies and how they work to help you avoid snoozing.
Gadget: The team at Lumie have designed ‘bodyclock wake up lights’. The name pretty much gives away what this little gadget does. It replicates a sunrise in the cosy-ness of your own room, which is proved to be the most natural and gentle way of extracting you from sleep-town. A gentle wake up usually equals to a day of feeling good. So how did we test this?
Experiment: As I slept, blissfully unaware the lengths that my partner would to go to, to simulate ‘this fucking sunrise’ (his words, not mine), his silent vibrate alarm went off on his phone, waking him up. He then crept out of bed and slowly began to draw the curtains inch by inch. Perhaps it was the shitty grey day and lack of sunshine, or perhaps it was my super human powers of ignorance; he could not wake me. After this didn’t work, he activated flash light on his phone and slowly directed it over my face. The result? I woke up groggily rubbing my eyes feeling confused and annoyed.
Result: I have a feeling that had I used the actual sunrise simulator; I would have woken up in a pleasant way. More testing to be carried out.
Gadget: Nanda Home have made an alarm clock that runs on wheels. As soon as it goes off, it starts driving away from you. Far, far away.
Experiment: I set the offensively early alarm on my phone and tucked it into the pocket of a dog warmer. I then lured my friend’s dog Biscuit to sleep in my room. After carefully strapping his vest on, I couldn’t help but liken it to that of a suicide bomber jacket. Sorry doggy. 5am was when the sound first hit; hard and unforgiving. Biscuit took this as a sign that breakfast was imminent and headed for the door with disgusting enthusiasm. I was about to get up when I took comfort in the fact that he was moving further away from me, therefore the alarm sound was slowly fading out. But then I jerked out of bed hastily as I realised I was about to wake up the rest of the house and chased the dog to deactivate the alarm. Running manically down the stairs and frantically grappling inside Biscuit’s pocket, it was safe to say that I was wide awake.
Result: It catapulted me out of bed, giving me a jolt of adrenaline which meant that there was no way I could have gone back to sleep. Not the nicest way to wake up.
Gadget: Thanks to British designer Josh Renouf, there’s a cool gadget which brews coffee right by your bedside table while also acting as an alarm. This means you get to wake up to freshly brewed fucking coffee, and who doesn’t love the smell of that?
Experiment: Again, my other half sets his phone to a silent vibrate, to go and brew up a rich, smooth, strong coffee before I awake. He carefully tip-toes back upstairs; coffee pot in hand and rests it on my bedside table. After this doesn’t wake me up, he brings it up to my face. I slowly start to rouse, sleepy smiling.
Result: I wake up feeling happy and excited that I have fresh, hot coffee; but annoyed when I realise it’s a coffee pot rather than a cup of coffee with my half a sugar and creamy milk added. Solved easily enough though! The creators of these enticing gadgets are onto a good thing…
Sleep time app
This nifty little app by Azumio tracks your sleep cycle and claims to wake you up at the most optimum time, when you are in a light phase of sleep. This in turn banishes your inner morning asshole and makes you a nicer morning person.
Experiment: This time I actually downloaded and used Sleep Time. I lay the phone carefully next to my pillow and allowed it record me as I slipped into unconsciousness. I chose the ‘gentle waves’ alarm as it was particularly soothing. As I lay in a peaceful slumber, Sleep Time prepared itself, using a pre-defined thirty minute alarm window to lure me awake.
Result: I woke up feeling suspiciously refreshed! Did it really work? I think so. The volume gently ascended and the sounds were very serene. Recommended.
So after extensive lab testing, and highly complex and unique tests, we have come to a conclusion: the snooze button is always a lose. Try and find the method that suits your madness and get ready to experience a better version of ‘you’.